I Live in Expectation

I was drawn to the guitar today. Kind of like you thirst for water during a hard workout. Kind of like you feel compelled to eat popcorn when going to the movies. Kind of like an itch you’re just dying to scratch.

I sat down and I started playing. I sang a little bit and I goofed around with the chords. I wondered whether I would be ever be great at the guitar – or even good enough to carry a show on my own. I laughed aloud at the lyrics I came up with. And I felt my spirit rest just a little. I felt a little calmer and a little more at peace. And I enjoyed it.

Remember when I said it was a long winter? Well I wasn’t only speaking literally.

The past year of my life has been one of the more challenging. Challenging in a very deep, tangible way. I have felt the growing pains, and I continue to feel them.

I’m learning about myself in ways I never knew I was uninformed. I’m seeing myself more clearly than ever before, and realizing more than ever the desperate need I have for a saving grace…. for an ALL CONSUMING hope. I have behaved in ways I am too ashamed to admit. I have been frustrated and angry, lonely and longing, in pursuit and being pursued. It has been challenging, but it has been good.

And I did not run from it. I stopped. I listened. I turned and I leaned in. And as I’ve done that, I have felt my spirit rest just a little. I feel a little calmer and have a little more peace. And I thank God for the opportunity to know him and need him in a very real way.

It’s Cloudy Today

Sally said I should blog about wanting sunshine, to reverse the effects of my obviously powerful yesterday.

So, for the record, I am now craving sunshine. One dreary day at a time, please.

A Surprising Spring

It was a long winter.

So long, in fact, the last year has kind of felt like two. (seriously, I keep forgetting that my friend’s baby is only 1 – or that another friend and I only met last year.. it actually confuses me.) And I don’t know if you remember this, but I haven’t had high hopes for Alaska’s weather. But you know what, guys? I’ve been pleasantly surprised.

A few weeks ago I swear it was in the 70s. And that isn’t nothing, people. We’ve had so much sunshine I’ve even welcomed the day or two of rain we’ve seen. I even find myself kind of craving a dreary rain day. And I’m being reminded again and again of just how beautiful it is here in Alaska.

It smells like summer again, so fresh and clean; it reminds me of my first year living here. The mountains have nearly lost their snow, the trees have gained their green, and the blue sky shines brightly in contrast to each of them. Being here at times like this literally brings me close to tears.

No wonder people move up here and never want to leave.

There is almost nothing like it, at least nothing that I’ve seen.

It may not be shorts and tank top weather every weekend, but it’s a wonderful place to live. And hey, how many times have you experienced sunshine warm enough for t-shirts and flip flops while ice fishing? I mean, I wasn’t fishing…

I don’t “fish.”

But I could have…

Oh, and did I mention this lake is the same place where we stood bundled only 6 weeks prior?

If you’d have told me then that I wouldn’t be miserable forever, I wouldn’t have believed you. And I think that’s a surprise any one of us would be grateful for.

In The Studio

I just spent about a day and a half in the studio working on my album, which sounds a lot more glamorous than it is. Believe me. But the wonderful part? Things are totally starting to come together! I am getting very excited about this project.

Jon and Paul worked on their acoustic parts for “On and On” this weekend, one of the first songs we played together as a group. And it sounds amazing! When I listen to it, I feel like we’re just sitting together playing a live set. I know that sounds pretty generic, like “when I hear it, it sounds just like we play it!” But the truth is hearing your music recorded well….. there’s not a whole lot like it. And I’m SO excited to complete this project and fully and finally get to really share my songs. I hope you’re excited, too!

And the album so far? We’re looking at 8, maybe 10 full songs. I’m working on getting some CD art, a logo for my music and name, have another photo shoot scheduled (after I get my hair done, of course), signed up to play at the AK state fair again this summer, and am starting to think about planning the CD release concert. It’s all very, very exciting stuff.

I guess that’s just a little update. It’s fun to be involved in a project that is bigger than just going to work, living the mundane day in and day out. It’s exciting to have goals and to be avidly working toward them. It’s tiring, and stressful, and sometimes a fear filled process – but it is good. And I’m not going to give up on it.

Until next time…

Nobody Reads Blogs on the Weekend

Firstly, I am tired. I am just so very tired. Just thinking about all the things I would like to do and need to do in order to accomplish the things in the “like to do” category – it makes me tired.

Secondly, I was playing guitar at church tonight, and my hands were hurting. Hurting quite a bit, actually. And they started tingling, and I started to feel pretty unsettled about it. See, I have had issues with hand pain for years; off and on for about 6 years or more. I think it’s caused by 40 hours at a desk job? But whatever the cause, it’s frustrating, regardless.

It’s frustrating to endure pain while doing something that you love very much. It’s frustrating to have fear that the very thing you are designed to love you are NOT designed to do long term.

Maybe it doesn’t have to be that tragic. Maybe it’s just pain. But it’s frustrating.

And lastly, I want to learn what it means to be brave. I’m not brave. But I want to act bravely. I don’t think that being brave is the same thing as being wreckless; quite the opposite actually. And yet being fearful and acting anyway? That is something I’m not always sure I can do. But I want to be brave.

The Internet Gives Me A Headache

I have spent the last 24 hours trying to edit my various web pages for maximum appeal. And let me tell you, not much has changed on them; I don’t know what the heck I’m doing. Who are you website geniuses who can just make things look beautiful and pretty? I’d like to meet you. And I’d like you to set me up real nice like. I could pay you with music…

In other news, …. um ……

oh, wait.

I have no other news.

Purposeful Direction

Well, it’s time to get back to business. I’ve been blogging sporadically in the last few months – but have I really said anything in the meantime? I may not have many readers, but I think it’s time I started putting this blog to good use.

I’m a musician, right? At least I’d like to think of myself as one. And I’m going to put a little more stock in doing the thing I love. I want to play some more shows. I want to write more songs (can you believe it’s been like, a year since I wrote my last one??). I want to learn how to make the most of what I’ve got. I want to tell you that I’m going to have an ALBUM RELEASED AT THE END OF SUMMER!!

So what does that have to do with this blog? I’m gonna make it work for me. I want to chronicle my experiences and the things I’m learning about music. I want share the things that God is doing in my heart because inevitably it’s going to affect what I write. You don’t become a musician just to keep it to yourself, do you? Music is intended to be shared, and this blog is another way I can do that.

Essentially, things probably won’t change too much too soon. But over time, maybe this blog will grow with me and my music. And when that happens, I’ll not only be writing about Alaskan weather, fashion blunders, humorous anecdotes, and the random annoyances of life. I’ll also be writing about all things “Marijke.” Remember that name, people. Write it down. And buy my cd in September.

An Embarrassing Realization

My sister in law has a pair of shoes I really like. They’re spring-y and cute, and I’ve been wearing them a lot lately. I brought them with me on my vacations to California and Texas. They’re my new summer go-to flats. They’re like, hot pink.

I also was using a new purse while in Texas. A hand me down from a friend of mine, it was the only purse I brought with me. It’s a very cute clutch purse. It’s also, like, hot pink.

But here’s a piece of advice about accessorizing: beware of the careless throw together items. Just because things look like they would go well together doesn’t mean you can just stop paying attention.

One day in Texas I got dressed, donned my SIL’s shoes for a trip to the mall, and realized mid-morning that THIS had actually happened:

I’ve seen “The Hills.” I know “matchy matchy” when I see it. And this was an unintentional fashion faux pas, people.