I Want That Kind of Wealth

“A devout life does bring wealth, but it’s the rich simplicity of being yourself before God.”

-1 Timothy 6:6, The Message

It Snowed This Morning In Texas

Despite my personal mandate to blog at every possible second, I’m finding it difficult to be creative these days.

Was I not supposed to admit that?

I’m attempting to be intentional in regard to reflection and meditation, and would love to spend more than I have in songwriting and refining my skill. But I’ve been filling my time with computers and job searches, phone calls and potential connections. The business and logistics and ideas and “feet to the ground”-ing it of all of this are sucking away my time.

And my vitality, if I were honest with you.

Suffice it to say, it is a practiced discipline to have faith – to do what is possible to do and still focus on the joys and privileges of “now.”  To trust that it won’t do me any good to attempt more than is possible anyway.

I’m not the one who determines what happens with what I do during this time. I think I’m so worried about squandering that I hold too tightly to things I cannot control. And isn’t that so much like life sometimes?

These are the things I’ve been thinking about lately…

Provocation

If you want to build a ship, don’t herd people together to collect wood and don’t assign them tasks and work, but rather teach them to long for the endless immensity of the sea.
- Antoine De Saint-Exupery

Courage, it would seem, is nothing less than the power to overcome danger, misfortune, fear, injustice, while continuing to affirm inwardly that life with all its sorrows is good; that everything is meaningful even if in a sense beyond our understanding; and that there is always tomorrow.
- Dorothy Thompson

Far away there in the sunshine are my highest aspirations. I may not reach them but I can look up and see their beauty, believe in them, and try to follow them.
- Louisa May Alcott 

Repentance is another name for aspiration.
- Henry Ward Beecher

Do not depend on the hope of results. You may have to face the fact that your work will be apparently worthless and even achieve no result at all, if not perhaps results opposite to what you expect. As you get used to this idea, you start more and more to concentrate not on the results, but on the value, the rightness, the truth of the work itself. You gradually struggle less and less for an idea and more and more for specific people. In the end, it is the reality of personal relationship that saves everything.
- Thomas Merton 

A sobering thought: what if, at this very moment, I am living up to my full potential?
- Jane Wagner

Where I Am Now

More often than not these days, I feel the need to recalibrate. I can’t go very long without needing to realign myself with the truth of why I’m exactly where I am. I forget it so easily. I fall into distrust and fear so easily.

Yesterday afternoon I decided to drive to Oklahoma to stay with my cousins – a couple days earlier than I’d been planning to for the Thanksgiving holiday. I listened to an old album, and I was struck at how much the meaning in those songs had changed for me.

Four years ago at this time I was living in Minnesota with my parents, working part time, sporadically spending time with friends, and daily taking walks around the lake near my parents’ house. I was in that ‘in-between’ period: no longer in Dallas, not yet where I’d find myself for the next 4 years. I was a little lost, and at the same time more free than I’d felt in a while. I was certainly unaware of how my life would change in the coming years.

Often on those walks, or while raking leaves, I listened to Jill Paquette. Her songs are honest about questions and doubt. She doesn’t defend her imperfection, but stresses her need for God in the midst of it. I connected with the album four years ago, but I was amazed at how much it meant to me when I listened to it last night. Songs I had overlooked before now flooded me with significance. I realized how much I have really changed in the last four years. I realized how much of God I recognize in my experience. I am more than ever aware of my need for him, and grateful for that need.

There’s no telling what the next four years of my life hold. Or the next four months, for that matter. But I don’t want to lose sight of the ways God speaks to me and draws me to him every day. I hope recognizing my need for realignment on a regular basis doesn’t mean I’m failing at what I’m doing. I think it means I see God at work in my life more than I ever have before.

One Day At A Time

But seriously, folks? Sometimes an unpredictable life really is a challenge.

I woke up yesterday in a funk. Just a plain old, ‘I can’t muster the courage to try very hard today’ funk. Was it because I stayed up too late again? I don’t know. All I know is…  I had only one choice.

I stayed in my pajamas. I drank coffee. I worked on my bible study and I told God exactly how I was feeling. And in that process, do you want to know what words came out of my mouth?

“Life is so much easier when I don’t have to be so dependent on you.”

How’s that for profundity?

I’ve been saying that I need to take this one day at a time, and it has never been more true. I can’t predict my courage from one day to the next. I don’t understand my anxiety or peace from hour to hour. I just know that I’m still figuring out the balance between being diligent and trusting God for the rest. Am I doing enough? How could I ever know? But I’ll know I am doing too much when I feel the stress of trying to control situations that can only be left in God’s hands.

He has called me to this. Only He can make it happen.

And every time I turn around I am encouraged by the supportive words of others. Friends who are sharing my music with those around them, family who raves about what they hear, a mother who reminds of the truth of God’s care for my life.

Yesterday was about trusting in God and His plans for me, and not in my own ability. And that was enough for one day.

On Motives

Have I mentioned recently that John Eldredge is one of my favorite authors? Well he is. He writes in a way that speaks directly to me.

I read a blog post he wrote today regarding motives, and I am humbled by the truth in what he says.

He reveals the heart of the matter, which really spoke to me today – and to some of the questions bubbling around my brain. His words may reach you in a totally different way, but I highly recommend you read them.

Focusing Perspective

I’ve been thinking about something ever since my show last Saturday night. The event went well enough, though I could certainly stand to work on my presentation. I’m not always sure how to engage the crowd in a coffee shop style setting, but that’s kind of what got me thinking.

I love to sing, I do. But what I love most about singing is truly sharing my heart behind the songs. I write with purpose, and a lot of who I am goes into those songs. Last Saturday night I was  playing my set, and a friend in the audience asked me to share the story behind a song, and I felt like I couldn’t.

I felt like I couldn’t say, in a very public, casual atmosphere, what was really behind the next song. Because there wasn’t a story or event I could tell, it was just about God – how I come to him (and sometimes don’t) and about how he draws me anyway.

Now you might think this means I am afraid to give a public testimony. I’m not. But I’m cautious when I call a venue and ask if I can come and play, that what I say fits into what they are expecting in allowing me to be there. I’m not into bait and switch evangelism.

But the fact that I didn’t feel comfortable to share my heart made me really evaluate what I want in performing. I don’t want to play a ton of shows that are just music and performance – no substance. Somehow, I need to narrow my focus. Either I choose to find venues to play that will be, up front, open to my message. Or I learn to be a little more bold in my approach – even if it alienates some.

I’m not totally sure how this is going to change things. But I know that I don’t want to waste my time or my money this year playing music that doesn’t matter. Because the message does matter. And that’s why I’m here.

He Is Everything I’m Not

I stress easily. Remember?

So having only two weeks left with literally more to do than there is time to do it, in seemingly every aspect of life, it stresses me.

I wish I were one of those people who could take things in stride a little easier. I find myself taking on the responsibility of things that aren’t mine to own. And things that, honestly? Nobody’s asking me to own them.

I find myself often losing sight of why I have made the decision to move. I get caught up in the to do list and the deadlines, scheming for how I can make my life work for me, wondering how things are going to turn out. And I find I’m just doing it, doing it all, because that’s what I told myself I was going to do. But why am I doing it? And am I taking on more responsibility in the process than is mine to own?

Maybe I’ve put unnecessary pressure on myself. Physically, emotionally, and spiritually… Maybe there’s a lesson in all of this about depending on him.

In the moment that I find myself at a breaking point, I have no choice but to be reminded of my motivation. If I were doing this simply because I thought I could, I’d be a fool. When I can’t keep from comparing myself to everybody else, I am forced to remember that I do this not in my own strength. Because if I did, surely it would let me down.

 

Maybe you’re keeping up with my blog and you’re thinking, “Gosh. She’s always writing about the same thing.” If I am, I’m sorry. Trust and faith are common themes in what I’m experiencing right now. Fear is a constant struggle. But this is who I am and where I am, and if I do anything except embrace it? I’m trying in my own strength to be what I’m not. And I guess that’s what I’m learning to lean on him for…

So Much To Say

I wanted to write a new song before my cd release concert…

I’ve been meaning to write it, and yet the times I’ve sat with my guitar to put words to music, nothing has materialized – though I probably have not devoted enough time to it. I have plenty of ideas, and in fact one particular idea that I think is totally fitting for where my life is headed. And yet, I haven’t been able to pass “go.”

Honestly? It’s been over a year since I last finished a song. And I’m not worried about it, because songwriting has traditionally been something I’ve done only when inspiration hits. I think that’s going to change in the future, but this last year was a really crazy time. A time I thought I was going to blossom and grow, and instead was weeded, tilled, and fertilized.

I guess blossoming and growing is what will come in the days ahead. The fruit of His labor, so to speak…

Nevertheless, I still have not finished this song. And I really hope I am able to do it in time. I have so much to say – how I never thought that I would be where I am, and I couldn’t have seen how the past would shape my future until it did. How my heart broke at failure and disappointment, and how God’s faithfulness was shown – not in the instance of heartache, but little by little in every day following.

Even now, God is proving his faithfulness to me.

And how should I respond to that? How could I not respond to that? His faithfulness is what gives me courage to move and act. His faithfulness and kindness are what compel me. His faithfulness, shown through a span of years, and not just weeks or months, is what allows me to trust him and excites me for the path that lies ahead.

And doesn’t that sound like plenty to write about?

On Failure

It seems as though I am ever more aware of my own shortcomings these days. And even more than aware, I am heartbroken by them.

How can I be so

impatient?

unloving?

unkind?

selfish?

And is it possible that I have become these even more?

More likely I am only more aware of them. More convicted by them. More broken by them. And more cognizant of my need for God because of them.

It’s kind of a strange place to be, because in some senses I feel as though I have now replaced Paul in his claim. And in others, I am grateful that this conviction, in God’s kindness, is leading me to repentance.

Failing isn’t something I like to do. In fact, I’m terrible at it. And though failure is one thing, it’s the unavoidable consequence of failure that truly pains me. Offenses can be forgiven, but they are not forgotten.  Hurts can be healed, but never undone. Do I make myself out to be a liar and a hypocrit when I lay all my blunders right in front of you? What must you think of my testimony?

I am truly sorry.

But I am determined to not walk away from my failure only burdened and condemned by it. I am truly convicted by it. I am repentant for it. However long it may take, I am going to be changed by it.