Where I Am Now

More often than not these days, I feel the need to recalibrate. I can’t go very long without needing to realign myself with the truth of why I’m exactly where I am. I forget it so easily. I fall into distrust and fear so easily.

Yesterday afternoon I decided to drive to Oklahoma to stay with my cousins – a couple days earlier than I’d been planning to for the Thanksgiving holiday. I listened to an old album, and I was struck at how much the meaning in those songs had changed for me.

Four years ago at this time I was living in Minnesota with my parents, working part time, sporadically spending time with friends, and daily taking walks around the lake near my parents’ house. I was in that ‘in-between’ period: no longer in Dallas, not yet where I’d find myself for the next 4 years. I was a little lost, and at the same time more free than I’d felt in a while. I was certainly unaware of how my life would change in the coming years.

Often on those walks, or while raking leaves, I listened to Jill Paquette. Her songs are honest about questions and doubt. She doesn’t defend her imperfection, but stresses her need for God in the midst of it. I connected with the album four years ago, but I was amazed at how much it meant to me when I listened to it last night. Songs I had overlooked before now flooded me with significance. I realized how much I have really changed in the last four years. I realized how much of God I recognize in my experience. I am more than ever aware of my need for him, and grateful for that need.

There’s no telling what the next four years of my life hold. Or the next four months, for that matter. But I don’t want to lose sight of the ways God speaks to me and draws me to him every day. I hope recognizing my need for realignment on a regular basis doesn’t mean I’m failing at what I’m doing. I think it means I see God at work in my life more than I ever have before.

Reflections On Being In Texas: A List

1. I used to think that Dallas was so spread out that it just takes forever to get anywhere. Since being back here, I’ve come to the realization that WHERE I LIVE is just really far from everywhere. Shoot…
2. All I’m saying, is that I have driven next to more semi trailers in the last two weeks than in the last four years combined. And I didn’t miss them.
3. Remember how I used to use this blog as an outlet for my Alaskan Weather Woes? Don’t think for a minute that just because I no longer live in Alaska I’m not still going to point out that it’s still cold there. It’s still cold. As in negative 10. And I think I moved to Texas at the perfect time of year.
4. The journey of this year? The changes I’ve been anticipating and experiencing? All of the unknowns? In case you were wondering? None of that has changed…
5. I love living in a place where everything is so new and yet so familiar. I am in such uncharted territory, and yet I feel so at home. 

Affected

What is it, do you suppose, that gives other people the power to make us feel a certain way? Is it us? Is it them?

And why is it sometimes so hard to walk away (literally or metaphorically) unaffected?

I, for one, am very affected by others. I hate for anyone to ever be displeased with me. But I have found this sometimes makes it difficult to live a life centered on the truth.

And though I want to be free from judging myself by anyone’s standards but God’s, I don’t want to be reckless with another person, either. I must learn to see the difference between displeasing and wrongdoing.

I think it mightn’t always be a clearly defined line.

Do you?

Final Destination

New Month!

It’s like a clean slate. A fresh start. I feel like I need that these days…

I’m headed to my final destination today. Well, at least starting in that direction. I’ll finally arrive in Dallas on Tuesday, and I am so ready for it. While I’ve had a great time with friends and family in the last few weeks, this nomadic lifestyle takes its toll. I think now, especially, I am longing for consistency and a schedule, a solid plan I can execute, a routine, and perhaps a little more time for reflection.

If you were reading with me pre CD release and pre big move, you’ll remember I was stressed and scared for everything ahead of me. I’m happy to report that I have felt more at ease recently, but even 3 weeks out of Anchorage has taught me some things. I have felt a little bit like I’m shooting in the dark – and I don’t want that. I am a calculated, strategic planner. I’m going to feel much more relaxed when my day to day activity reflects some of that.

I’m ready to get settled and find what lies ahead for me. I’m ready for Texas. Do you think it’s ready for me??

On Motives

Have I mentioned recently that John Eldredge is one of my favorite authors? Well he is. He writes in a way that speaks directly to me.

I read a blog post he wrote today regarding motives, and I am humbled by the truth in what he says.

He reveals the heart of the matter, which really spoke to me today – and to some of the questions bubbling around my brain. His words may reach you in a totally different way, but I highly recommend you read them.

Mountain Envy

It’s official, I am going to miss the mountains.

I spent the last weekend in Colorado Springs, and it was great. It snowed! And can I tell you how excited I was about that? I LOVE snow. Probably the only winter I’m legitimately going to get this year.

Amie and I went walking downtown, got coffee and perused the shops.

Here’s the thing – I had a good time. And I loved the views of the mountains and the wintery feel in the air. While I am stoked about the community I believe waits for me in Texas, I am seriously concerned that the geography is going to feel a little not right to me. I did just move from Alaska after all!

Perhaps a regular visit to the mountains will be required.

A Public vs Private Life

“It is incredibly difficult to be both public and private all at once.”

So what of the musician, the writer, the artist, the actor, the politician? When “success” means yours is a household name, how do you savor your true identity? How do you manage to put yourself out there – to let your work be known – and maintain a sense that your world is your own? How do you keep from judging your value on others’ perception?

Is it worth the trade off? A necessary consequence of pursuing your passion?
Or does it warp what’s really important in this life?

I would argue that, if handled carelessly, it could easily be both.

On Failure

It seems as though I am ever more aware of my own shortcomings these days. And even more than aware, I am heartbroken by them.

How can I be so

impatient?

unloving?

unkind?

selfish?

And is it possible that I have become these even more?

More likely I am only more aware of them. More convicted by them. More broken by them. And more cognizant of my need for God because of them.

It’s kind of a strange place to be, because in some senses I feel as though I have now replaced Paul in his claim. And in others, I am grateful that this conviction, in God’s kindness, is leading me to repentance.

Failing isn’t something I like to do. In fact, I’m terrible at it. And though failure is one thing, it’s the unavoidable consequence of failure that truly pains me. Offenses can be forgiven, but they are not forgotten.  Hurts can be healed, but never undone. Do I make myself out to be a liar and a hypocrit when I lay all my blunders right in front of you? What must you think of my testimony?

I am truly sorry.

But I am determined to not walk away from my failure only burdened and condemned by it. I am truly convicted by it. I am repentant for it. However long it may take, I am going to be changed by it.

I’m the kind of person who…

• says exactly what I’m thinking, sometimes to a fault
• struggles to have a generous heart
• promises to have a genuine heart
• likes to be alone with people
• is indecisive
• is addicted to coffee
• questions everything, even 8th grade algebra
• loves my family more and more as I grow older
• is starting to think that true life might begin after 30
• clings tightly to meaningful relationships
• longs for companionship
• thrives within structure and guidelines
• is embarking on a journey with neither structure nor guidelines
• aches to be known
• tries too hard
• doesn’t try hard enough
• is unequivocally in love with Jesus Christ
• is often unfaithful to that love
• hopes that a contrite heart is enough
• is still learning how to better reflect the character of God
• grows more thankful every day
• looks forward to Oct 9th with the passion of 1,000 suns

Desire: An Excerpt

“‘All good things come to an end.’ I hate that phrase. It’s a lie. Even our troubles and our heartbreaks tell us something about our true destiny. The tragedies that strike us to the core and elicit the cry ‘this isn’t the way it was supposed to be!’ are also telling the truth – it isn’t the way it was supposed to be. And so Pascal writes,

Man is so great that his greatness appears even in knowing himself to be miserable. A tree has no sense of its misery. It is true that to know we are miserable is to be miserable; but to know we are miserable is also to be great. Thus all the miseries of man prove his grandeur; they are the miseries of a dignified personage, the miseries of a dethroned monarch…What can this incessant craving, and this impotence of attainment mean, unless there was once a happiness belonging to man, of which only the faintest traces remain, in that void which he attempts to fill with everything within his reach?

Should the king in exile pretend he is happy there? Should he not seek his own country? His miseries are his ally; they urge him on. And so let them grow, if need be. But do not forsake the secret of life; do not despise those kingly desires. We abandon the most important journey of our lives when we abandon desire. We leave our hearts by the side of the road and head off in the direction of fitting in, getting by, being productive, what have you. Whatever we might gain – money, position, the approval of others, or just to get away from the discontent itself – its not worth it. ‘What shall it profit a man if he gain the whole world and lose his own soul?’ (Matt 16:26).”

- Desire, p. 12-13, John Eldredge