Saturday Morning Pondering

My roommates go away for the weekend, and I remember how much I don’t want to live by myself.

I used to think I wanted to – in fact I rented a place for four months on my own and I really enjoyed it. But a life lived alone, even only strictly factually speaking, can be a very lonely life. And I don’t want to wake up every Saturday morning to an empty house, with no one to share breakfast with.

I’ve got a lot of things to get sorted this weekend. Packing for my upcoming drive down the AlCan, making final plans and setting into motion the CD Release Concert only 5 weeks away. But for some reason my head feels like it’s in a cloud. I can’t quite put my brain around what I need to do, or how to do it. I’m not sure I can judge what is most important right now.

I think I’ll go outside and enjoy the sunshine.

Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day

Today was a bad day.

 

Like, a bad day…

 

Started out bad, stayed bad, got more bad.

 

And you know what I hate more than a bad day?

ME, on a bad day.

 

And how broken everything feels after a bad day.

A Lot To Take In

Yesterday morning I gave my notice at work: I’m leaving in October.  

I’m leaving. Going. That’s it. Decision made. Dunzo… 

I’ve been thinking about this for quite some time – 10 months or so – and yet somehow I thought that when the bomb was dropped I would feel a little bit of relief, a little bit of freedom. I thought that once the word was out I could fully be excited about the adventures the lie before me.

And I am, I am excited. I feel like this is something I need to do.

But I also feel the same way I did before: afraid.

In the next two and half months I’ll be spending time with family, traveling to California to meet my new niece, packing the things I own and selling the things I don’t want anymore. I’ll be finishing the album artwork, and watching as my album is edited, mixed, mastered, and finally finished! I’m getting ready to play at the state fair and gearing up for the CD release concert. I’m taking a week off of work to drive my car south before winter hits, only to fly back here for a last few weeks of working and tying up loose ends. And I’m pretty sure I need to build a fortress around my heart: I’m going to miss my family here so much.

I’m a mixed bag of emotions. I’m happy and sad, courageous and fearful all tied in to one. I know that every “yes” to something is a “no” to something else – and in the next few months I feel compelled to say yes to something I’ve always said no to in the past. I feel compelled to take steps even when I don’t see where they lead, and I’m excited about the freedom and the opportunity to do it! But that doesn’t make it an easy decision.

And in this moment, while I’m writing this blog and listening to my niece Audrey play in the bathtub, in this moment I know that my heart is going to ache for the things and people I’m leaving. I’m still afraid of the unknown, but convinced that I can’t just NOT go, and it’s a lot to take in. In this moment, before I anticipate the journey of things to come, I want to just rest here.

I want to just stay while I still can.

Resistance

Sometimes I get the urge just to splatter my emotions all over the internet.

I’m going to resist that urge tonight…

But I will say this – I can’t wait for everything that I know to be true to take up residence in my heart.

Move Forward

I’ve been thinking lately about the things I want, who I want to be, where I want to go. The truth is, sometimes I think I know what the answers are – but I really have no clue. My ideas might seem brilliant for about 6 hours and then I start to freak about them. I realize I’m not sure if I could do that or be her. Am I brave enough? Do I have what it takes? Am I too lazy? Would I even like it?

This constant wonder, I think, stems from some life experiences – but also stems from a deep insecurity I must really have about who I am, who God made me to be. I don’t believe in her. Do I even really know her??

I’ve been emotional in recent weeks. Frustrated, tired, lonely, confused, overwhelmed, discouraged… you know, all those things intermittently mingled with happiness…

And in the pain of losing myself, I realize: the only way back is forward. The only way to deal with these emotions is to move forward. The only way to get back to a place of contentment and peace is to keep moving forward. To deal with where and who I am and to move forward.. To trust. And just keep moving forward.

This is my life…

I don’t have anything cutesy to say today. Nothing funny. No anecdote.

Lately I’ve been feeling like I could just burst into tears at any second, and seemingly I have here and there. Life, just everything, feels too big for me to grasp, to control, to manipulate, to understand, to make good, to be happy and carefree. I can’t fix the past, can’t change, can’t predict my future. I want out, I want in, I want so much….

Clearly I can recognize the fact that everything I’ve just talked about it useless. That’s just it, I can’t grasp, control, manipulate, understand, make good, or make happiness. I can’t fix, change, or predict – or be anything or anywhere other than I am. I know all of this is in God’s hands. I know he creates, he gives, he leads, he takes away, he loves, he guides, he provides… But I don’t know how to “let go of the reigns” and trust or be content. I don’t know how to believe that everything I am and have is how he intended it to be. And I don’t know how to believe that if it isn’t what he intended it to be, that I didn’t somehow screw everything up.

This is not to say that everything is bad – it’s not bad. Mostly everything in my life is very, very good. My job, my family, my friends and relationships, even my future… But there’s so much I still want to be doing and want to be working toward – so much for me to place in God’s hands. And I feel so out of control, so unable to MAKE or CHANGE.

And the only thing that can fix this is a reNEWed trust and dependence on God. The only thing that offers freedom and contentedness is renewed trust and dependence on God. The only thing that offers hope for my future is a renewed trust and dependence on God. The only cure for unbelief and anxiety is complete SURRENDER.

My heart is breaking
I’m at a loss for words.
With nothing to stand on, so unsure.

But my hope is built on nothing less
Than blessed are they who trust in him.

Can I trust in you?
It’s all I want to do….

Take it away, take it all away.
This is my anthem of surrender.
My heart is won, and my hope is found
When I have truly laid them down.

Oh sweet surrender, how can it be?
That I would surrender what’s dear to me.
But in my losing, you’ve promised I will find
A joy that these treasures cannot provide.

Take it away, take it all away.
This is my anthem of surrender.
My heart is won, and my hope is found
When I have truly laid them down.

A CONTRITE HEART YOU WILL NOT DENY.

Popularity Contest

Why is it that everything in life seems like a popularity contest? I’m telling ya..  MySpace, Facebook, Blogger, Magazines, Reality Television. Perhaps I’m too easily affected by what I see and hear around me. But I will tell you something – for many years of my life I’ve compared myself to those around me. I allowed myself to be judged by it and allowed myself to feel that something was awry or lacking. It’s not even a feeling I can explain outrightly, it’s just an internal feeling that what “you” have and are and do is so much more interesting and better and cooler than what I have and am and do.

Oh sure, I’m not really affected by these things anymore – at least not like I used to be. But I have to TELL myself not to be affected by it. I have to shut the computer and not dwell on it. I have to soak in the reality and the acceptance of me – just me and just my life and the revelation that these are beautiful things. But why is it like that? Why do these persistent comparisons exist? And why does my heart long for things to be bigger and better and greater and more adventurous than they are? 

I don’t know why I wrote all of that, except that I felt like writing and that it was on my heart. I want to be a true person. I want to find completion and joy in Christ alone. So why do I consistently go looking for it in people and places and things?? Just something to think about…

I Was Wrong..

Remember when I said that I was starting to like Winter and Snow? Yeah?
Well, I was wrong.

See, I went to California for 11 days – and upon my return it’s dark. Morning, 10 am, 4 pm, DARK. I mean, would I ever be posting so many blogs about weather if I didn’t live in the strangest climate known to man? Think about it.

And on second thought.. I DON’T like Winter. Because it’s dark. And by the way, it’s really COLD. I want to go back to Cali.

 On that note, I’ll be posting some photo blogs from my fantastic trip in short order. You won’t be disappointed…

Good Vs Best

Sometimes it’s scary to trade what’s good for what’s best. And how do we really know what’s best anyway? Wouldn’t it just be easier to go with the flow, because at least what you have is what you know. And that can be pretty good sometimes….  

Sometimes I feel like I stopped asking God what he wants of me a long time ago – and just started making guesses and going after things. When I spent a year or so seeking a job in my “field,” scared stupid from the outset, I really felt like that desire went unanswered. And I think in response I just sort of accepted my circumstances as is – making the best of them, trusting that God had a plan in all of it. Anyway, the point is, maybe I stopped really seeking God’s plan after that – I mean REALLY seeking it. Maybe it felt like I couldn’t really hear what he wanted anyway, so I just kind of settled for the status quo.  I’m still not sure that it was wrong, but was it best?

And in certain situations now it really feels like I can’t hear him, like I don’t know my right from my left, and I really hate that. It feels like he’s silent, and I’m just left to forge my way on my own. I don’t want to forge my way on my own. I really want to know his best for me – and I hope that I’m making the right decisions that are going to lead me to that. I hope his answer comes when I trust him…

Exactly which daylight have we saved??

Last weekend I thought joy had been restored to my life – when I woke up in the morning, the sun came up too. Ahh… the joys of Daylight Savings in Alaska. Finally! The sun rises before 10 am.

And then 330 pm came. What? It gets dark here SO early!! Sunset: 4:53 pm.

I’ve been pretty depressed about this lately – it makes motivation nil. It makes me want to sit on the couch and do nothing. It makes me want to sleep all the time. So I started looking up actual daylight hours in Alaska, just so I could PROVE how ridiculously short our days are. Then you’d all feel sorry for me. So I compared: Minneapolis vs. Anchorage. And guess what?

Yes, the sun rises nearly two hours earlier in Minneapolis. But it’s true my friends, today the sun set 20 minutes LATER in Anchorage. And this is the time of day that was giving my frustration VINDICATION! Why oh why, if the evenings are no different than at home, does it feel so dark and depressing??

I know. There aren’t any lights in this city cause we all sleep in igloos and drive our sled dogs to and from work…