the waiting game

I just picked up the book “what’s so amazing about grace” and it’s pretty interesting. I started it a few months ago and am just now finishing it. while reading over the past couple of days I’ve realized a few things..

1. I don’t think I ever quiet my mind enough to let God speak to me or to change me. I came to this conclusion because sometimes it seems that I hear God most through sermons or reading books. I figure it’s the only time that I turn my own thoughts off, open myself to learn, and am immediately afterward influenced by the truth of Christ.
So why is it so difficult to quiet my mind in prayer? I just talk and talk – and try to be silent… but, and I hate to admit it, I don’t think I’m that good at it. I think I have an aversion to waiting on God. He really wants me to just spend TIME with him – not check off a duty for the day. so why does the idea of that make me anxious? it’s hard to just sit sometimes – to just be. to not be distracted by television, music, noise, sleep, friends, books, something “other.” it seems all my insecurities, worries, loneliness and aloneness come creeping to the forefront of my mind. but I think I should let him spend time with me – to let him truly CHANGE me – instead of “praying the problem” and then immediately moving on to the next big thing.

2. I have a lot of dreams. I want to sing, I want to write, I want to be a missionary, I want to be a counselor, I want to be a campus pastor, I want to go back to school, … SERIOUSLY? how am I going to do all those things? I know God gives us passions and desires for a reason – I’m not saying I’m PASSIONATE about all these things – but I desire them. and again – the whole “waiting” concept comes into play. I just want to go – to DO – to start school, to move on to the next big project…. but I think I need to wait. I think I need to hear from God about what he’s doing in my life.
I THINK I NEED TO BE CHANGED MORE (see above…)

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