This is my life…

I don’t have anything cutesy to say today. Nothing funny. No anecdote.

Lately I’ve been feeling like I could just burst into tears at any second, and seemingly I have here and there. Life, just everything, feels too big for me to grasp, to control, to manipulate, to understand, to make good, to be happy and carefree. I can’t fix the past, can’t change, can’t predict my future. I want out, I want in, I want so much….

Clearly I can recognize the fact that everything I’ve just talked about it useless. That’s just it, I can’t grasp, control, manipulate, understand, make good, or make happiness. I can’t fix, change, or predict – or be anything or anywhere other than I am. I know all of this is in God’s hands. I know he creates, he gives, he leads, he takes away, he loves, he guides, he provides… But I don’t know how to “let go of the reigns” and trust or be content. I don’t know how to believe that everything I am and have is how he intended it to be. And I don’t know how to believe that if it isn’t what he intended it to be, that I didn’t somehow screw everything up.

This is not to say that everything is bad – it’s not bad. Mostly everything in my life is very, very good. My job, my family, my friends and relationships, even my future… But there’s so much I still want to be doing and want to be working toward – so much for me to place in God’s hands. And I feel so out of control, so unable to MAKE or CHANGE.

And the only thing that can fix this is a reNEWed trust and dependence on God. The only thing that offers freedom and contentedness is renewed trust and dependence on God. The only thing that offers hope for my future is a renewed trust and dependence on God. The only cure for unbelief and anxiety is complete SURRENDER.

My heart is breaking
I’m at a loss for words.
With nothing to stand on, so unsure.

But my hope is built on nothing less
Than blessed are they who trust in him.

Can I trust in you?
It’s all I want to do….

Take it away, take it all away.
This is my anthem of surrender.
My heart is won, and my hope is found
When I have truly laid them down.

Oh sweet surrender, how can it be?
That I would surrender what’s dear to me.
But in my losing, you’ve promised I will find
A joy that these treasures cannot provide.

Take it away, take it all away.
This is my anthem of surrender.
My heart is won, and my hope is found
When I have truly laid them down.

A CONTRITE HEART YOU WILL NOT DENY.

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