Yesterday morning I gave my notice at work: I’m leaving in October.
I’m leaving. Going. That’s it. Decision made. Dunzo…
I’ve been thinking about this for quite some time – 10 months or so – and yet somehow I thought that when the bomb was dropped I would feel a little bit of relief, a little bit of freedom. I thought that once the word was out I could fully be excited about the adventures the lie before me.
And I am, I am excited. I feel like this is something I need to do.
But I also feel the same way I did before: afraid.
In the next two and half months I’ll be spending time with family, traveling to California to meet my new niece, packing the things I own and selling the things I don’t want anymore. I’ll be finishing the album artwork, and watching as my album is edited, mixed, mastered, and finally finished! I’m getting ready to play at the state fair and gearing up for the CD release concert. I’m taking a week off of work to drive my car south before winter hits, only to fly back here for a last few weeks of working and tying up loose ends. And I’m pretty sure I need to build a fortress around my heart: I’m going to miss my family here so much.
I’m a mixed bag of emotions. I’m happy and sad, courageous and fearful all tied in to one. I know that every “yes” to something is a “no” to something else – and in the next few months I feel compelled to say yes to something I’ve always said no to in the past. I feel compelled to take steps even when I don’t see where they lead, and I’m excited about the freedom and the opportunity to do it! But that doesn’t make it an easy decision.
And in this moment, while I’m writing this blog and listening to my niece Audrey play in the bathtub, in this moment I know that my heart is going to ache for the things and people I’m leaving. I’m still afraid of the unknown, but convinced that I can’t just NOT go, and it’s a lot to take in. In this moment, before I anticipate the journey of things to come, I want to just rest here.
I want to just stay while I still can.