I’m not entirely sure how this is possible, but I’m hungry; I ate so much this weekend. Another cabin filled two days where I ate nothing but trash and hung out with friends. It was awesome. See? Some clouds do have their silver lining…
On the way back from the cabin my friends and I were talking about emotions and things we feel that are anxieties, disappointments, fears… and things we feel that are hopes, excitements, longings… And I’ve been thinking about this for a little while now, not just today… I’ve been thinking that I really want to allow myself to fully feel what I’m feeling. If I’m feeling sad, then I’m going to feel it and not push it aside. If I’m feeling excited and hopeful but I’m afraid of disappointment, then I’m going to feel excited and hopeful, and I might possibly feel fear or disappointment too. And I’ve decided that’s okay.
I think so much of life is coping, telling ourselves we “shouldn’t” feel certain things because our brains tell us otherwise. So much of my experience is justified and rationalized to fit into a pretty little box that helps make sense of everything and keeps me from suffering.
But I’ve decided that I’d rather feel suffering – experience it, walk through it, pass by it – and come out on the other side alive than live a life that feels dead inside.
I haven’t quite worked all this out yet. And I haven’t really been given the opportunity to try it out in the nitty gritty difficult situations. So this is all just a work a progress, a thing I’m learning, a FULL LIFE that I aspire to. I don’t know that I’m right… It’s just what I’m thinking about today.