I was asked by somebody today, “How would you like to see yourself in the future?” And I thought about it… And my honest answer was that I want to feel like what I’m doing is purposeful, meaningful, and valuable.
But as I was saying it, I knew it wasn’t exactly what she meant.
And it isn’t exactly what I want, either.
I mean, YES, of course I want those things. But I can’t always control those things. And it’s not like in my heart of hearts I want to try to control those things, I just want them to naturally occur. But what if they don’t? What if my desires are thwarted? What if my efforts fall short? What if I’m disappointed?
Knowing full well that all of those things, good and bad both, are very real possibilites? How do I want to see myself?
I told her I know with my mind, and in all truth, that my value and purpose are not derived from what I’m doing, my success, or my failures. I know that life doesn’t always turn out the way I think it should, but just because I’m disappointed – does that mean I’m not valuable? Of course not!
But what I feel, or at least what I’ve felt in the past, is that if God doesn’t “choose to use me” the way I think he’s going to, then there is something wrong with me.
Or there is something wrong with Him.
But that isn’t the truth.
And how I want to be, how I want to see myself, is as a child of God. Who is loved. And dearly valued. And who is inherently purposeful by simply BEING that: His child.
I know from my experience and with my mind that it is true, but I want to learn to feel it with my heart.
That is how I hope to be.