On Failure

It seems as though I am ever more aware of my own shortcomings these days. And even more than aware, I am heartbroken by them.

How can I be so

impatient?

unloving?

unkind?

selfish?

And is it possible that I have become these even more?

More likely I am only more aware of them. More convicted by them. More broken by them. And more cognizant of my need for God because of them.

It’s kind of a strange place to be, because in some senses I feel as though I have now replaced Paul in his claim. And in others, I am grateful that this conviction, in God’s kindness, is leading me to repentance.

Failing isn’t something I like to do. In fact, I’m terrible at it. And though failure is one thing, it’s the unavoidable consequence of failure that truly pains me. Offenses can be forgiven, but they are not forgotten.  Hurts can be healed, but never undone. Do I make myself out to be a liar and a hypocrit when I lay all my blunders right in front of you? What must you think of my testimony?

I am truly sorry.

But I am determined to not walk away from my failure only burdened and condemned by it. I am truly convicted by it. I am repentant for it. However long it may take, I am going to be changed by it.

2 thoughts on “On Failure

  1. But on the upside, you have exactly what you need in order to write some of the more poignant, honest Christian music of all time.

    You know how much I appreciate honesty. For better or for worse, you’re walking honestly.

    I guess I know that I’ll never be perfect. I’ll never be the super Christian I once set out to be, but I figure if I can just walk honestly, with authenticity, then… at least I won’t be pretending to be something that I’m not. I just want to be real.

    I get that sense from you too. I like that about you Marjorie Goats.

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