Where I Am Now

More often than not these days, I feel the need to recalibrate. I can’t go very long without needing to realign myself with the truth of why I’m exactly where I am. I forget it so easily. I fall into distrust and fear so easily.

Yesterday afternoon I decided to drive to Oklahoma to stay with my cousins – a couple days earlier than I’d been planning to for the Thanksgiving holiday. I listened to an old album, and I was struck at how much the meaning in those songs had changed for me.

Four years ago at this time I was living in Minnesota with my parents, working part time, sporadically spending time with friends, and daily taking walks around the lake near my parents’ house. I was in that ‘in-between’ period: no longer in Dallas, not yet where I’d find myself for the next 4 years. I was a little lost, and at the same time more free than I’d felt in a while. I was certainly unaware of how my life would change in the coming years.

Often on those walks, or while raking leaves, I listened to Jill Paquette. Her songs are honest about questions and doubt. She doesn’t defend her imperfection, but stresses her need for God in the midst of it. I connected with the album four years ago, but I was amazed at how much it meant to me when I listened to it last night. Songs I had overlooked before now flooded me with significance. I realized how much I have really changed in the last four years. I realized how much of God I recognize in my experience. I am more than ever aware of my need for him, and grateful for that need.

There’s no telling what the next four years of my life hold. Or the next four months, for that matter. But I don’t want to lose sight of the ways God speaks to me and draws me to him every day. I hope recognizing my need for realignment on a regular basis doesn’t mean I’m failing at what I’m doing. I think it means I see God at work in my life more than I ever have before.

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