I know what you’re thinking right now…. you completely forgot that I was telling you a story. Well I don’t blame you. Need a refresher?
Part 5: In which I am currently living.
Some of the reason this last section has taken so long to write, is that I’m just beginning it. And, as with anything we are in the middle of, it’s not easy to write a 3 paragraph summary of what I WILL learn in this experience. I have no idea.
I may not know until months, even years from now.
If I were completely honest, you’d know that I have questioned, doubted, feared, wanted to quit, hoped for the best and expected the worst. At times I put myself out there, but at others I withdraw. I’ve learned what I love about music and what I just don’t think is in me to do. If I were totally honest, you’d know that it feels like I find myself literally in between. There’s one side of the spectrum that sees me dreaming and desiring and hoping for big, brave things. And there’s the other side which is just me. Small, scared, inexperienced, unsure. I want to retreat, but I want to pursue my dreams.
How do I do both? I don’t know yet. I probably can’t.
If the whole point of this story is to tell you how the past is influencing my present? Well, I’m not sure that I can. But I know it brought me here. I know it has shaped me with the unique perspective, history, and road marks that make this life mine. I know that God is teaching me a lot in it.
And I guess that’s sort of the point of all of this. Maybe when this is all over, a year from now, or even two, I’ll be able to summarize this chapter into a nice little package. Perhaps I’ll know the how and why and what of it all.
Hopefully, I’ll look back and know that this is when God spoke to me more than ever before.